It takes a lot to make or build a home, but very little to break or destroy it. A home gives peace, happiness, and sometimes joy. It is a place a man is made into a responsible and loving husband and a woman into a responsible and caring wife. It is a place where innocent children are made and raised. Children are broken when there is a broken home or marriage. They become misdirected, frustrated, and most times hoodlums when there is a broken home or marriage. Hence, one of the worst things that can happen to a home is for the home to be broken. Common Issues that Lead to Broken Home or Marriage
Marriage is the legal or Biblical union between a man and a woman to become husband and wife, which creates family ties or to make or form a home. Home, on the other hand, is simply “A dwelling.” It has to do with one's own dwelling place; the house or structure in which one lives with his family. It can be the habitual abode of one's family, and also one's birthplace. The home also connotes the abiding place of the affections, especially of the domestic affections; that is, the affections of a man and his wife. Home is relationships, affection, and communion between a man and his wife, which are passed on or transferred to their children especially, and other members of the family, however, with the exemption of sexual intercourse which is only for the man and his wife in the home.
Marriage in Hebrew is ôwnâh or o-now, which means, “To dwell, to gather." It also has to do with sexual cohabitation, which is the duty of marriage. This implies that one of the functions or purposes of marriage is to make or form a home. And one of the reasons for forming a home is for sexual cohabitation between a man and his wife; this is one of the major duties of marriage which is for pleasure and sexual satisfaction and reproduction. Therefore, marriage and/or home is a great achievement which when broken means that great achievement has been destroyed and lost. No wonder the Bible stated that he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from God. Marriage is a good thing and the wife is God's favor to her husband and the home.
Therefore, anything that can lead to broken homes or marriage should be avoided with every uttermost care and precaution. This is because, when a home or marriage is broken, it does not affect only the husband and wife, but it also affects the children and everything the home stands for.
This article, therefore, will be dealing with the common issues that lead to broken homes or marriage, and the dangers of broken homes. This article will be updated bit by bit as the storyline unfolds. So, continue to log in for information updates. Enjoy the read and put what you learn into positive practice.
Some of the common issues that can lead to broken home or marriage include:
1. Little or Lack of Respect: Do not show respect to others more than you respect your spouse.
When a woman treats other men with respect and addresses them with 'Sir' and with a nice, kind and romantic and/or bedroom voice more than she does to her husband at home, it can lead to jealousy, hatred and eventually lead to broken home or marriage. There are women who when talking with/to other men outside, will appear to be an angel, they will amass a great level of respect, even bending their knees while greeting as a sign of respect. But when talking with/to their own husbands at home, they sound very rude, casual, unromantic, and angrily. And as such, when a husband sees how his wife addresses other men outside and how she addresses him as her husband, he gets angry, believes that his wife has no regard, respect, or value for him. This creates negative jealousy that kills love and resurrects anger and hatred.
On the other hand, there are men that will ask for the wellbeing of a woman that is not their wives as they hold her hand and look directly into her eyes, with a nice and romantic voice and admiring her physics for a long period of time, more than they do their wives at home. They talk kindly with a smiling face, and with respect and likeness to other women outside, but when talking to their wives, you see an authoritative tone, commanding voice, anger, casual and unromantic actions. This also creates negative jealousy, anger, and hatred in the woman against her husband and eventually leads to a broken home or marriage. This common but negative attitude that some couples exhibit towards their spouse often leads to a quarry, exchange of rude and vulgar words, fight and divorce (broken home or marriage). It is good to respect other men as a woman and treat them with love and kindness, and it is also good to respect other women as a man and treat them with love and kindness. Nevertheless, a woman must treat her husband with the greatest, ultimate or maximum respect, love, value, and kindness she has got much more than she should treat other men. Likewise, a man must treat his wife with the greatest, ultimate or maximum respect, love, value, and kindness he has got much more than he should treat other women. It is your husband that made you a complete woman, and you are a complete man because of your wife. The man and woman as husband and wife should appreciate and value themselves for what they are to/for themselves. No other man out there can make you a better woman than your husband. And no other woman can make you a better man than your wife. For marrying you, the man has lifted you as a woman out of shame, insult and ridicule, therefore love, respect, value and appreciate him for that, so much more than you will do any other man. That she agrees to marry you as a man means that she has made other men know that you are the most special, most valued, and "the man" among all others in the world, therefore, respect, love, value, and treat her like a queen.
Though this seems common and should not matter, yet, it matters a lot. Imagine how your husband will feel when he is the one you always talk to with a romantic voice, with respect, kindness, value, etc. Imagine how your wife will feel if she is the one you hold her hands softly, enquiring of her wellbeing, and admiring her for a long period of time; treating her with special love, respect, value, and kindness. I tell you, such attitudes in a relationship will make it last even till old age.
2. Little or Unromantic Sexual Relationship: You should not be "holy" or "righteous" when in bed with your spouse. One of the major causes of infidelity in marriage is the hunger to satisfy sexual urge. When Paul was addressing the question the Corinthians church asked him about marriage and sex, he said that it is good for a man not to touch (have sexual intercourse, that is, fornication or sexual immorality) with a woman. To avoid fornication which is caused by the sexual urge, Paul advised every man to have his own wife (that is, marry), and every woman to have her own husband (1cori. 7:1-2). One of the primary purposes or functions of marriage is for sexual relationships and satisfaction between a man and his wife. The Bible instructs a young man and woman to avoid or flee from sexual immorality and sex before marriage. Though this is difficult, yet, many have obeyed this command and many are still obeying this command by God's grace. Hence, it becomes irrational, unreasonable, immaturity, wickedness, and unrighteousness for one who is married, especially one who kept him/herself till marriage, to be starved of sexual intercourse by his wife or her husband after marriage in the name of:
i. I don't like sex, (why did you marry in the first place?)
ii. Is sex food, must you do it every day or all the time? Are you a dog? (Yes, it is marital food that keeps the marriage going and relationship smooth).
iii. You are a pastor, minister, etc., or pastor's wife and should concentrate in prayer, fasting, Bible study, even in/on the bed with your wife or husband and should not think about sex or ask of it (you are not in/on the bed with pastor or pastor's wife, but your human husband or wife and your sexual partner, hence don't be spiritual in/on the bed and don't spiritualize marital sex, it is necessary and Biblical).
iv. I am stressed up, I can't have sex, so you have to endure, apply self-control and discipline till next time (maybe, till further notice] that is one of your duties as a married man or woman, give him/her the needed attention).
v. He/she provoked me. My husband refused to buy or give me this or that, therefore, I wait for him in/on the bed; no sex for you.
These and more that appeared common and normal have led to infidelity in many marriages and in most of the time have resulted in broken homes or marriages. Wise couples settle their differences or misunderstandings in/on the bed and do not use bed (sex) time as a means of punishment or revenge for what the partner has done previously. The worst thing that can happen to your marital relationship is to make your partner feel, "I'm married, but I need a sexual partner". Make sure that the sexual partner your partner will need is you. Apart from love and care, one of the vital ways of describing your image and thought in the mind of your partner, even in his/her subconscious mind is through your romantic, quality, and satisfactory sexual relationship with him/her. This, however, is mostly applicable to wives (females) to their husbands (males). Sex is one of the vital and inevitable functions of marriage. The Bible states that the body of a married man belongs to him no more, but to his wife, and that of the married woman belongs to her husband. Therefore, your spouse has the right to demand (request or ask) for the use or service of your body which now rightfully belongs to him/her. You should be ready to give the sexual service to your partner at all times. If there should be no sexual relationship between a man and his wife for a period of time, it should be based on the consensus agreement of both partners and should be mainly when they want to seek the face of God through prayer and fasting. The Bible also urges couples to do that quickly and get back to each other, less the devil tempts them into sexual immorality. Therefore, the business of sexual relationships in marriage between a husband and his wife should be taken very seriously if the marriage must survive infidelity and break.
Factors that cut short Sex in Marriage: There are issues or factors that can cut short, reduce or hinder the flow of adequate and romantic sexual relationship in marriage. Some of these factors include:
a. Over Stress: This factor affects mostly women. When a woman is overstressed up, she is hardly in the mood of having sex. There are two major ways couples, especially wives can be stressed up. One is emotionally and two is the loss of energy or physical tiredness. When one is emotionally down or lacks physical energy, sex in marriage becomes little and boring. To solve this problem, husbands should assist their wives in domestic work, such as home cleaning, cooking (if need be), caring for the children. These are what husbands need to do for their wives until their children become old enough to take over. On the other hand, women should be able to respect their husbands and ask for their domestic assistance in humility and with sweet, honeious (from the word honey, which means claim and sweet voice while addressing someone) and irresistible voice and should not do that harshly and with rude voice and attitude. Both parties should love, respect, and talk to each other calmly. Do every good thing possible to ensure that your partner is in a good mood and in a better emotional state so that there will be no hindrance toward the couples’ romantic sexual relationship.
b. Bad Company: Making and keeping friends with negative influence can cause a bridge in the relationship between a husband and his wife, which will, in turn, affect their sexual relationship. Bad company can cause staying away from home and coming back late at night. It can lead to infidelity in marriage. Therefore, choose your friends, however when doing that do it wisely, do not allow friends to choose you, except ones with positive character and influence on you. It is true that sex may not be love, but true love is inevitable for a romantic, smooth, and enjoyable sexual relationship between a husband and his wife.
3. The breadwinner of the family: Men are seen as the breadwinners in the family, especially in the African setting. When a husband is indisposed of the duty to provide for the family, either as a result of health, education, unemployment or any other crucial reasons, it has a way of affecting the family, the relationship between the husband and wife, which may, in turn, affect their home or relationship.
One of the ways this can affect marriage is that the man in most cases will lose his respect in the home, especially from the wife. Most women intend to disrespect their husbands when they could no longer bring food and money to the home. Some women at this point, turn or intend to turn their husbands into house helps; insult and abusive words are often and easily released on the man by his wife when he could no longer provide for the family or have lost the position of the family's breadwinner.
In most cases, the wife will begin to express in words and/or actions her regret of entering into a marriage agreement or relationship with the man. She will often let the man know that there were better men who would have married her, but "foolishness" made her make the mistake of marrying him. Most wives often say and do sweet things to their husbands when the money is flowing, when their husbands are rich in cash, giving them everything they need. But as soon as the money stops flowing, as usual, they become nasty, harsh, offensively annoying, so that one wonders if this was the sweet woman during the fruitful years. As these obnoxious attitudes continue, it comes to a point that the man will hate the wife, and also believe it was a mistake marrying her. He would want discontinuation of the marriage, even if he should die of hunger and lack of job and money, he would longer mind. At this point also, the man becomes angry, sad, and always bitter at heart. His love for the family, especially for the wife fades away or even dies. This, in turn, affects the togetherness and smooth relationship of/in the family. This often leads to divorce, which is a broken home.
Another way this affects marriage is that the wife may be nice, providing for the home and doing her best to make sure her husband does not feel bad or being insulted, especially outside for not being able to provide for his family. But the man will often feel bad, ashamed, and insulted to sit jobless at home and have his wife catering for the family. Sometimes, the man may have a job where he is underpaid, and the wife becomes the breadwinner since the husband's salary is nothing to write home about, and since she earns a far much better salary than her husband. The man in some cases will transfer the aggression of his jobless or underpaid situation to his wife especially, and other members of the family. Once in a while, he talks and treats his wife in a way and manner that is uncalled for, harsh, and rude, as if the wife is the cause of his jobless or underpaid situation. Most times, the man becomes annoyingly paranoid and obnoxiously offensive that the wife will or may become fade up with his behavior, attitude, and treatment towards her. Some husbands go to the point of becoming a nuisance, such as becoming a drunkard and as a result, turn into a womanizer and worst of it all start beating the wife.
The wife will at a point start feeling very bad and uneasy, and will begin to wonder how a man she is doing her best to please, protect, defend and support will often be angry, bitter, and ungrateful to her; treating her angrily and harshly. At that point, the wife may become discouraged and fadeout with her marriage and her husband and may reciprocate his paranoid behavior with anger and disrespect. This can then lead to hating the man, which can obstruct the good and smooth relationship in the home, and in turn, lead to divorce or broken home or marriage.
It is true that money is important in building a home, however, the foundation of a proper, long-lasting, smooth running and enjoyable home or marriage is and should be built on true love, care, tolerance, acceptance, and adaptability. When a husband has done his best to secure a job or a good job and could not or works at a place he is underpaid, or had lost his job and could no longer be the breadwinner of the family, it becomes the sole duty of the wife to console him. The wife should bear her husband's burden at this point with him, encourage him, care for him, and love him more. This kind gesture will serve as a motivating factor in building the spirit of the man to put in more effort and bounce back to becoming the family breadwinner. The sweet things a wife says to her husband, with a nice voice when there is money and things are moving smoothly and as expected, should continue, even more, when he loses his job, underpaid or cannot secure a job. When it seems as though all hopes are lost, especially in terms of not being able to care for the family. Besides God, the wife is expected to be or become the hope and backbone of her husband at this point. If however, the wife fails at this point to stand for and/or beside her husband, she then gives him only two options:
1. To leave the home or marriage, which is divorce or broken home or marriage, and
2. To commit suicide, which is death either emotional suicide or life suicide (literally taking his life or ending his life in physical death).
On the other hand, when a husband is opportune to have a wife who is the breadwinner of the home, and still respects him, and treat him in a way he will not or should not feel she is riding on him, the husband should always act and think more on how to appreciate the wife and make her happy, instead of worrying himself on how the wife is the breadwinner of the home. The man seriously needs to apply the spirit of self-control and discipline and must remember that he is not the only man on earth without a job, who is underpaid or has lost his job. He should be grateful to God that he has a wife who is there for him and has given him everything. The man should love, appreciate his wife, and always think of what to do to make his wife happy, relaxed, and emotionally settled. The husband's worry should be on how to keep his wife and her love and care towards him, instead of losing her out of nasty or obnoxious character, behavior or attitude. The man should not allow circumstance, friends or the devil to talk him into becoming paranoid, a drunk, a womanizer, and into developing obnoxious attitudes that can cost him his home or marriage. However, the man must not give up or relax in doing his best to take over his duty as the man, the head of the family, that is, becoming the breadwinner of the family, and caring for his wife and children. But, when every effort has been made and it still did not work out, do not give up or start acting in a way that can jeopardize the happiness of your loving and caring wife and the continuity of your marriage. Keep trying and keep loving and caring for your wife and children, if not in money, then in words and attitude.
To be continued
Nwoko Solomon Ikechukwu (Pastor)